Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.

The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”

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Machine and Bottle.
After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.

They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.

The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.

Tom spoke up, “I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”

Sarah took Tom’s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.

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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”

Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.

“What happened?” asked the wife.

“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey – after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”

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Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old,
goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Michael replied…

“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying:

“WHOA, hold on there sweetie… I haven’t added them up yet!”

P.S – Please let us know if you’ve seen him, we’re very worried.